GOOD AS IT GETS

LIKE HOLDEN CAULFIELD IN SPOTTING PHONIES
OR STEPHEN SONDHEIM IN WINNING TONYS
YOU’RE A SORT OF PIONEER
LIKE DAVY CROCKETT IN KNOWING TRAILS
OR SALOME IN THROWING VEILS
OVER WHAT HAD BEEN QUITE CLEAR

THOUGH YOU’VE NOT SET OUT
TO ASSUAGE MY DOUBT
IT WAS OBVIOUS FROM THE OUTSET
YOU’RE JUST ABOUT AS GOOD AS IT GETS

LIKE PIGGY NOW HIS GLASSES WERE BROKEN
OR OLE BLUE EYES BACK IN HOBOKEN
WITH THE LOCAL RACKETEERS
LIKE AL CAPONE IN REDEEMING RUM
OR MARILYN IN SEEMING DUMB
YOU’RE IMPROVING WITH THE YEARS

THOUGH YOU DON’T QUITE CHIME
WITH MY SENSE OF TIME
AND YOUR DIARY’S NOT A LETTS
YOU’RE JUST ABOUT AS GOOD AS IT GETS

I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU ON THE COURTS
WHEN YOU SHOWED ME YOUR FOREHAND SHOT
WHEN I TEASED YOU ABOUT CONTACT SPORTS
AND YOU GAVE JUST AS GOOD AS YOU GOT

LIKE HANS ANDERSEN IN THE UGLY DUCKLING
OR ERROL FLYNN IN HIS SWASHBUCKLING
AND SWINGING FROM CHANDELIERS
LIKE ROBIN HOOD IN RIGHTING WRONGS
OR IRA GERSHWIN IN WRITING SONGS
YOU’RE PRETTY MUCH WITHOUT PEER

THOUGH YOU STILL DON’T RUB
SHOULDERS WITH ME AT THE CLUB
AND YOU’RE NOT LISTED IN DEBRETT’S
YOU’RE STILL JUST ABOUT AS GOOD AS I

RESISTANCE

UNTIL BREAK OF DAY
IT WAS TOUCH AND GO
BUT JULIET GAVE WAY TO ROMEO
A LEADER IN HER FIELD
A COLD WAR STRATEGIST
ISOLDE WOULD YIELD
TO TRISTAN’S TRYST

YOUR MOTHER WAS IN THE RESISTANCE
THE GESTAPO ASKING QUESTIONS
THE SS AT THE DOOR
NOW WE’VE GONE UNDERGROUND
YOU MAY HAVE FOUND
YOU CAN’T RESIST ME MUCH MORE

IN A PURPLE TENT ON THE ZUIDER ZEE
CLEOPATRA WOULD RELENT TO ANTONY
ONCE JUST GOOD FRIENDS
IN THE GREEN WOOD
MARIAN WOULD BEND
TO ROBIN HOOD

YOUR MOTHER WAS IN THE RESISTANCE
THE GESTAPO ASKING QUESTIONS
THE SS AT THE DOOR
NOW WE’VE GONE UNDERGROUND
YOU MAY HAVE FOUND
YOU CAN’T RESIST ME MUCH MORE

THESE SEVENTEEN MILES OF CORRIDORS
UNDER THE PENTAGON
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU SMILE
AT THE PERIMETER GUARD
HIS I.D. READ VON BRAUN

THOSE SEVENTEEN MILES OF CORRIDORS
UNDER THE PENTAGON
IF WE SPEND A WHILE
IN CLOSE QUARTERS
MAYBE YOU’LL FALL UPON

YOUR KNEE AND KISS THE ROD
AS THE GODDESS OF THE CHASE
MIGHT SUBMIT TO A GREEK GOD
WITH A GOOD GRACE
OR HAVING TOLD HER BEADS
IN THE CONVENT YARD
HELOISE WOULD CEDE
TO ABELARD

YOUR MOTHER WAS IN THE RESISTANCE
THE GESTAPO ASKING QUESTIONS
THE SS AT THE DOOR
NOW WE’VE GONE UNDERGROUND
YOU MAY HAVE FOUND
YOU CAN’T RESIST ME MUCH MORE

SHOCKS AND STRUTS

WE LEFT THE CLUB
THE FOG WAS GREEN
THEN CAME THE RUB
I’D NOT FORESEEN
WHEN WE HIT TOWN
IT WAS NEAR 3:30
NOWHERE TO GET DOWN
DOWN AND DIRTY

BUT A LOADING DOCK BY A QUONSETT HUT
THE SIGN READ SHOCKS
SHOCKS AND STRUTS

ON A DINGY BANK
TWO DINGHIES BASKED
AN ACETYLENE-TANK
A WELDER'S MASK
YOU SAID THE LAWS ON MASS
AND ENERGY TRANSMITTAL
SHALL IN NO WISE PASS
ONE JOT OR TITTLE

BUT YOUR SUMMER FROCK
WAS SO LOWCUT
THE SIGN READ SHOCKS
SHOCKS AND STRUTS

THEN SOMETHING TOOK WING... AN EXTRACTOR FAN
THE BLOWTORCH... ITS LITTLE BEAK
THEN SOMETHING WOULD STING... A TEAR THAT RAN
LIKE SOLDER DOWN YOUR CHEEK

THE DISTANT FOGHORN
THE DISTANT SHOALS
WHERE WHAT HAD BEEN TORN
WAS NOW MADE WHOLE
BUT A LEAK OF OIL
FROM AN OUTBOARD RUDDER
AN ELECTRIC COIL
STILL MADE US SHUDDER

AN ENGINE BLOCK
STILL WENT PUTT-A-PUTT
LITTLE AFTERSHOCKS
SHOCKS AND STRUTS

MEAT AND DRINK

NO MORE CROUCHING ROUND A CAMPFIRE
WITH SANGRIA AND SAMPHIRE
NO NO NO NO NO
NO MORE HANGING OUT WITH MOBSTERS
OVER LAMBRUSCO AND LOBSTER
FRA DIAVOLO

WHEN YOU'RE ALL I NEED, DON'T YOU SEE,
YOU'RE MEAT AND DRINK TO ME

NO MORE FRITES WITH FASHIONISTAS
NO INSALATA MISTAS
NO NIGHTS ON THE TILES
NO DEEP-DISHING WITH DESIGNERS
NOW CLOSING THE MUNSON DINER'S
GOING OUT OF STYLE

I'M THROUGH WITH HITTING THE SAKE
WITH KENZO AND MIYAKE
I'M DONE WITH VALPOL AND POLENTA
WITH OSCAR DE LA RENTA
NOW THE JOINT IS PASTRY-CASED
ENOUGH OF THE MODUS VIVENDI
OF FERRAGAMO AND FENDI
NO MOOCHING THROUGH BALDUCCI'S
WITH PUCCI AND GUCCI
FINDING NOTHING TO MY TASTE

WHEN YOU'RE ALL I NEED, DON'T YOU SEE,
YOU'RE MEAT AND DRINK TO ME

NO MORE TAKEOUT WITH SCREENWRITERS
STILL PULLING THEIR ALL-NIGHTERS
WHEN THEY'RE THIRTY-EIGHT
NO MORE SCHMOOZING IN-HOUSE SHYSTERS
PORKRINDS AND JAEGERMEISTERS
NOW YOU'RE ON MY PLATE

WHEN YOU'RE ALL I NEED, DON'T YOU SEE,
YOU'RE MEAT AND DRINK TO ME

STANDING ROOM ONLY

YOU'VE MET IN THE KNITTING FACTORY
THE VANGUARD AND THE MERC
SHE'S SO EX-DIRECTORY
YOU'RE LISTED UNDER JERK
YOU'VE MET AT THE GARDEN
AT MICHAEL'S PUB AND JOE'S
WHEN THINGS ARE LOOKING CERTAIN
SHE'S SURE TO LET YOU GO

YOU GO BACK TO THE PLACE
RESERVED FOR THE LONELY
IT'S SO IN YOUR FACE
THERE'S STANDING ROOM ONLY

SHE HANGS IN ARLENE'S GROCERY
SHE HANGS IN THE LION'S DEN
HER GLANCE IS SO PRECURSORY
YOU THINK SHE'S INTO MEN

WHO HANG IN THE BOWERY BALLROOM
OR AT THE BITTER END
SHE CAME OVER WITH THE PILGRIMS
SHE'S GONE BACK WITH YOUR FRIEND

TO B.B. KING'S OR IRIDIUM
FOR SHE LIKES TO SLUM
WHERE THE HOMIES FROM HACKENSACK
TALK THE TALK AND CHEW THE GUM
ON HOW FAR THEY'VE COME
AND HOW FAR THEY GO BACK

TO THE PLACE
RESERVED FOR THE LONELY
IT'S SO IN YOUR FACE
THERE'S STANDING ROOM ONLY

YOU'VE MET IN CBGB
YOU'VE MET IN IRVING PLAZA
HER GRANDPA'S PART OJIBWA
SHE'S TOTALLY TABULA RASA
IN THE BATHROOM AT ROSELAND
YOU'RE STALLING IN THE STALL
YOU THINK YOU'RE SO RESILIENT
BUT THE WRITING'S ON THE WALL

GO BACK IT SAYS YOU GO BACK TO THE PLACE
RESERVED FOR THE LONELY
IT'S SO IN YOUR FACE
THERE'S STANDING ROOM ONLY

WRONG MAN

YOU THINK I'M MR RIGHT
BECAUSE OF TUESDAY NIGHT
WE DROVE OUT BY BILLINGSGATE
FOR THE ESSEX COAST
YOU SHOWED UP IN THAT SILK SKIRT
IT LOOKED A DEAD CERT
WE'RE IN THE HOME STRAIGHT
WE'RE NEAR THE WINNING POST

AT THE ASCOT GOLD CUP
I WAS AN ALSO RAN
SOMEONE'S SET ME UP
YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG MAN

YOU THINK I'M MR RIGHT
BECAUSE OF THURSDAY NIGHT
HYDE PARK SURE IS PRETTY DENSE
BUT I'M NOT SO GREEN
YOU STILL HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE
WHAT I FEEL FOR YOU
YOU'VE GOT NO HARD EVIDENCE
TO PLACE ME AT THE SCENE

THOSE GREEN TIGHTS FROM BLOW-UP
ARE LONG SINCE IN THE CAN
SOMEONE'S SET ME UP
YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG MAN

AND IF YOU WANT TO CHECK MY ALIBI
JUST ASK FRANCESCA FROM THAT BAR ON BEAK
SHE'LL TELL YOU I GET LOW WHEN I GET HIGH
SHE'LL TELL YOU I WAS OUT OF IT LAST WEEK
SHE'LL TELL YOU IT WAS MADE BY KRUPS
HER COFFEE GRINDER SMELLS OF MARZIPAN
SOMEONE'S SET ME UP
YOU KNOW YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG MAN

YOU THINK I'M MR RIGHT
BECAUSE OF FRIDAY NIGHT
I GUESSED I WAS IN THE CLEAR
AT SOUTHEND-ON-SEA
TILL WE LEFT THE DISCOTHEQUE
WE WERE NECK AND NECK
WHAT'S WITH THE BOUTONNIERE?
YOU CAN'T PIN THAT ON ME

SOMEONE FORGED THAT PRE-NUP
I'VE MADE NO WEDDING PLANS
SOMEONE'S SET ME UP
YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG MAN

NEED TO KNOW

I USED TO KNOW HOW CUSTER
BLEW THE LITTLE BIG HORN
WHY KEATON WAS CALLED BUSTER
WHEN THE BUDDHA WAS BORN
I USED TO KNOW WHO WROTE WESTWARD HO
AND ARISTOTLE ON STASIS
NOW ALL I KNOW'S
ON A NEED TO KNOW BASIS

FOR I'M LOVESICK I'M SICK AT HEART
SO MANY THINGS I NEED TO KNOW
YOU KEEP ME IN THE DARK
I'M ALL CUT UP PIERCED THROUGH AND THROUGH
I NEED TO KNOW MY CHANCES OF SURVIVING YOU

I USED TO KNOW THE DISTANCE
FROM LONDON TO L.A.
FREUD'S THEORY OF RESISTANCE
WHO FLEW THE ENOLA GAY
I USED TO KNOW WHY REMBRANDT AND VAN GOGH
SHARED YOUR LOVE OF THEIR OWN FACES
NOW ALL I KNOW'S
ON A NEED TO KNOW BASIS

WHO WAS THAT THUG WHO GAVE YOU THE HUG
ON THE AMBULANCE FORECOURT?
IS HE GONNA HELP YOU PULL THE PLUG
AND CUT MY LIFE SUPPORT?
IS THAT THUG GONNA HELP YOU PULL THE PLUG
AND CUT MY LIFE SUPPORT?

I USED TO KNOW WHY SPENSER
USED THE ARCHAIC YCLEPT
WHAT'S WITH THE DRUG DISPENSER
HOW COME I'M BEING PREPPED
NOW I NEED TO KNOW IF I NEED TO LET GO
LIKE ONE OF THOSE TERMINAL CASES
WHO KNOWS ALL HE KNOWS
ON A NEED TO KNOW BASIS

FOR I'M LOVESICK I'M SICK AT HEART
SO MANY THINGS I NEED TO KNOW
YOU KEEP ME IN THE DARK
I'M ALL CUT UP PIERCED THROUGH AND THROUGH
I NEED TO KNOW MY CHANCES OF SURVIVING YOU

SAAB WITH SANDI

WHEN I PICKED HER UP ON OUR FIRST DATE
JENNY'S DAD CAME TO THE GATE
HE SAID I WROTE THE BOOK
ON THE SCENIC OVERLOOK
WHERE YOU STOP TO VIEW THE ALLEGHENIES
REMEMBER THAT SUNSETS RARELY COME CHEAP
YOU MAY JUST SOW WHAT YOU REAP
WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN THE JEEP
RIDING IN THE JEEP
RIDING IN THE JEEP WITH JENNY

WHEN I PICKED HER UP ON OUR FIRST DATE
DEBBIE'S DAD CAME TO THE GATE
HE SAID I ONCE FORESOOK
THE LAWS OF THE PENTATEUCH
AND KINDA DEFORMED A REFORM REBBE
REMEMBER THAT THE MISHNAH'S A MISOG...
MISOGYNISTIC HODGEPODGE
WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN THE DODGE
RIDING IN THE DODGE
RIDING IN THE DODGE WITH DEBBIE

THE MERC WITH MOLLY THE LINCOLN WITH LIV
KINDLY TURN OFF YOUR BRIGHTS
THE PORSCHE WITH POLLY THE VOLVO WITH VIV
SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT
IT ALL CAME BACK TO ME LAST NIGHT
WHEN MY DAUGHTER CAME HOME AT FIRST LIGHT

WHEN HE'D PICKED HER UP ON THEIR FIRST DATE
SANDI'S BOY CAME TO MY GATE
I SAID ONE TIME I TOOK
A GUY OUT WITH A LEFT HOOK
WHEN HE REFERRED TO HER AS "ARM CANDY"
REMEMBER YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF SMACK DAB
IN THE MIDDLE OF REHAB
WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN THE SAAB
RIDING IN THE SAAB
RIDING IN THE SAAB WITH SANDI

ROCK STEADY

STAND READY, LADS, STAND READY
CRIES GORDON OF KHARTOUM
READY, MY LADS, STAND READY,
CRIES GORDON OF KHARTOUM
I HEAR MARY BAKER EDDY'S
GOT A TELEPHONE IN HER TOMB

HER FAITH'S ROCK STEADY
LIKE A ROCK AGAINST THE SEA
YOUR FAITH'S ROCK STEADY
ROCK STEADY IN ME

PENELOPE, RIGHT, DOES THE MEDI-
TERRANEAN ON HER LOOM
PENELOPE, RIGHT, DOES THE MEDI-
TERRANEAN ON HER LOOM
AS VICTOR MATURE SAYS TO HEDY
MIND THE SHADOW OF THE BOOM

HER FAITH'S ROCK STEADY
LIKE A ROCK AGAINST THE SEA
HER FAITH'S ROCK STEADY
ROCK STEADY IN ME

I SAY WHO'S THAT GUY MISS CIRCE'S
TEACHING THE ROLY-POLY?
CHRIST SAYS IT GETS SO MURKY
HERE IN THE ... HOLY-MOLY...
I SAY HE LOOKS SO HOMESICK
THAT BRAVE ODYSSEUS
CHRIST SAYS HE'S HIRED A PRIVATE DICK
TO KEEP TABS ON THE MISSUS

THAT'S THE THING WITH NOSTRADAMUS
AND ALL THESE PROPHETS OF DOOM
THE THING WITH NOSTRADAMUS
AND ALL THESE PROPHETS OF DOOM
THEY THINK NOTHING OF HIRING A SHAMUS
TO STAKE OUT THE UPPER ROOM

THEY'RE NOT ROCK STEADY
LIKE A ROCK AGAINST THE SEA
THEY'RE NOT ROCK STEADY
ROCK STEADY LIKE ME